Why Everyone Should Carry Bug Spray
by Meatball42
Summary: Something strange is going on with Gwen... but why is Ianto the only one to notice? I suppose this could be Gwen-bashing, but I really just thought it was hilarious. Short fun crack!fic, several ships.


**Author's Note: I'm not a proponent of Gwen-bashing, but this just came into my head and demanded to be written. I was too busy laughing to complain.**

**I am still posting Defining Ianto! This fic in no way will slow down the story, it was just a fun scribble.**

**Hope you enjoy!**

[*]

It was an otherwise normal day in August when the issue finally came to a head.

The whole team had been in the field all day, trying to track down an alien that had a nose like an elephant, except it was orange. Having come to a dead end on other leads and not having anything better to do, they were walking around Cardiff asking if anyone had seen him.

Ianto, paired with Gwen and Jack, noticed something odd.

"Have you seen anything unusual lately?" Gwen asked a scrawny teenager.

"Uhh…" The teen answered, eyes blurred as he stared at Gwen's cleavage. "No…"

"All right then, thanks for your help," she smiled blindingly and walked away. The young man's eyes followed her until she left the café, at which time he shook his head and looked around like he was waking up from a dream.

Ianto watched the scene, eyes narrowed in confusion. "Does something seem odd to you?" he asked Jack.

"Huh?"

Ianto looked at his boyfriend in surprise. Jack was staring at Gwen as she interviewed an elderly man on the sidewalk. The elderly man was smiling like he'd seen an angel.

"Jack?" Ianto prodded the captain.

Jack jumped. "Oh, yeah, what? Uh, I agree." He left Ianto standing alone in the middle of the café and left to stand next to Gwen, still watching her with a dazed expression.

Ianto shook his head in confusion. He looked around. Everywhere in the vicinity, men had stopped their conversations or whatever they were doing to mindlessly watch Gwen.

Ianto blinked. Then he shrugged, and went to talk to the cashier.

[*]

The team met up at the Range Rover at the end of the day.

"Anyone find anything?" Tosh asked.

Gwen didn't answer, inspecting her nails. Jack and Owen stared openly.

Ianto blinked. "No, nothing. Should we go back to the Hub?"

Gwen pulled out her cell phone. Jack and Owen stared openly.

Tosh rolled her eyes. "I'll drive."

[*]

"Tosh, have you seen anything… I don't know, unusual today?"

Tosh didn't look up from her computer. "Not really. Just another day in Cardiff."

Ianto hesitated. "I mean, did people seem to be paying a lot of attention to Gwen today?"

"People always pay a lot of attention to Gwen," Tosh rationalized.

"It just seems a bit… excessive."

Tosh shook her head. "It's always excessive."

[*]

Ianto decided to put the events of the day out of his mind and move on to more agreeable subjects.

"Jack?" he asked from the doorway of the captain's office. "Are you ready to go?"

"What…" Jack mumbled. He was looking out the window to the Hub. Ianto stepped forward to follow his line of sight.

Gwen was sitting at her desk stapling papers together.

"Jack!" Ianto admonished, annoyed. "We're supposed to be going on a date tonight."

"Yeah, um…" Jack said distractedly. "I'm not really in the mood."

Ianto stared in shock for several seconds. Jack continued to watch Gwen, not even noticing when Ianto stormed out of the room, mumbling 'That's it!' under his breath.

[*]

The next morning Ianto headed to the archives in search of a particular gadget. He was able to find it very quickly due to his exemplary organization.

Heading up to the Hub, Ianto took advantage of Gwen's phone conversation to aim the device in her direction. He looked through a purple glassy screen on the device and nearly gasped.

Gwen was actually a giant mosquito-alien disguised as a human!

"I knew it!" Ianto whispered.

[*]

"Gwen, your coffee."

"Thanks pet," Gwen smiled as she was handed the cup. She took a large gulp, then blinked a few times.

"I don't feel so-" She collapsed on the ground.

Ianto smiled to himself. "This is why I insist we're always stocked up on extra-strength bug spray."

"Oh my goodness, Gwen!" Tosh cried.

Owen and Jack came onto the platform at her shout, only to find Ianto picking up Gwen's limp body and racing toward the cells.

[*]

"So Gwen is actually a giant mosquito releasing lust-inducing pheromones to seduce men?" Jack clarified. The team watched the monitor in the conference room that showed Gwen. She was buzzing around her cell angrily since they'd taken off her disguise.

"Lots and lots of pheromones, if these readings are anything to go by." Owen gestured with some papers with indecipherable numbers and graphs on them. "If Teaboy hadn't figured it out, we might have been poisoned. Luckily, I've opened the air filters through the Hub, so the effects should dissipate quickly."

"How did you know, Ianto?" Jack asked.

"Everyone was acting strange," Ianto explained. "Like they were even more Gwen-crazy than normal. You didn't even want to go on our date last night!"

Jack looked embarrassed. "Well it was definitely the pheromones! I would never miss one of our dates! Can I make it up to you tonight?" he asked sweetly.

Ianto smiled. "Of course."

"If all the men we saw were so attracted to Gwen, why wasn't Ianto affected?" Tosh asked.

The team looked at Ianto, who shrugged. "She always looked a bit ugly to me."

The other three nodded, totally accepting that answer.

"Oh no!" Tosh gasped suddenly. "I've just remembered! If Jack and Owen were almost poisoned, what about Rhys?"

The team sat in shocked contemplation for a moment, then leapt to their feet as one.

[*]

Jack stormed into Gwen and Rhys' flat, followed by Owen, followed by Tosh, followed by Ianto.

Andy was standing next to the couch and didn't look surprised at the dramatic arrival. "I can't wake him up!" he exclaimed. "He's not responding!"

Rhys was sitting on the couch, staring mindlessly at the blank television screen. His eyes were glassy and a bit of drool was coming from the corner of his mouth.

"Out of my way!" Owen shoved Andy aside and did some doctor-y things to Rhys. "It's definitely pheromone toxicity," he diagnosed.

"What can we do?" Jack asked.

"He needs an infusion of something so human that the alien chemicals will be purged from his body," Owen thought.

"I've got it!" Andy shouted. "To the pub!"

[*]

After several rounds of pints, everyone was feeling a lot less pheromone-driven, even Rhys.

"I don't know what happened," he explained. "I've known Gwen for years, I've never seen anything to suggest she was an alien!"

"She was probably in hiding since she arrived on the planet," Jack told him.

"And I think the level of toxins just got to a point of toxicity," Owen explained. "Either that, or she was on heat."

Everyone looked at each other, then wordlessly took another drink.

"Well, now that Gwen's pheromones are out of my system, everything is a lot clearer to me," Jack announced. "I want to be with Ianto, and no one else." He hugged Ianto around the shoulders.

Owen cleared his throat. "I realized that I was only sleeping with Gwen because she drugged me with her alien chemicals. I'm actually in love with Tosh."

Tosh jumped to her feet happily and ran into Owen's arms.

Andy nodded too. "The reason I ever hated you so much was because you were with Gwen," he said to Rhys. "But now I can see that I really loved you the whole time, and Gwen was just getting in the way!"

Rhys smiled. "I'm so glad she's out of the way now so all of us can be happy!"

Everyone lifted their pints and toasted the demise of the Gwen-mosquito-alien.

They all lived happily ever after.

[*]

**I mean, you did spend ALL THAT TIME reading the fic, it wouldn't honestly take that much time to review too, would it?**


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